Consider this a public service announcement.  Some of you may recall I live in Medellin presently, and have spent the past three years in Colombia, mostly on the Caribbean coast.  And I have been known to mention a few of the products and services offered here freely, from time to time.  It's my right, as my Ecuadorian father says.  He has a masters in engineering, so I consider him a genius although when I ask why he never taught me Spanish, he answers "I don't know." 
Yesterday, I spent a few hours at my newfound bestie, my dentist Luis',  chair.  If you break out in hives and down the entire bottle of valium like I do just thinking the word dentist, fear no more.  I swear, this man's hands have been touched by God.  Every dentist I've ever went to has said "I am known for pain-free dentistry."  Yea, and I am a "Creature unlike any other".  Those other dentists are such fucking liars, it must be a course requirement in dental school.  So, when Dr. Luis Escobar (how's that for being born with the right name?) didn't say much to make me skeptical, I sucked it up and...didn't feel but the slightest pinch.  It was if the heavens opened up, the sun shown brighter, and I was in drilling nirvana.  When the numbness wore off, still no pain (ok, had codeine to...help?) and I asked if I could come back tomorrow.  Which was yesterday.  Yes, I had the same experience.  So, I am now on my way to that Jim Carey mouth I've always wanted.  Next week, half my teeth will be all white fillings!  Can't wait to show them off by laughing like a hyena at things that aren't even funny.  Want the best part now?  To date, the bill has added up to just over $100.00 and included consultation, impressions, and two molar fillings replaced with new white ones.  Hand to God!  If you only knew how cheap blow is here, you would get on the next Avianca out of the states.  Bring me some Taco Bell, and I'll hook you up.  Seriously, medical tourism is just one of the many reasons me and tons of others are leaving in droves.  I read this article on the ticker of AOL and confirms what I already knew.   Told you I was way ahead of my time!
I am coming back to the U.S. soon, but not until I have the mouth of a porn star, to match the natural blond, trash talking language, lifted eyes and collagen filled lips that are in my near future.  If you have questions about medical tourism, feel free to ask.  I am a walking billboard, and not here selling policies, I swear.  It's just one of the few things I am knowledgeable with, from horrific personal experience and being at the mercy of hospitals and physicians here.  I guess alcohol, drugs, and age may take a toll on a person after all.  Ok, my PSA is done.  The more you know...         

Dr. Acula and her sidekick, the boy wonder

I didn't sleep much last night.  The self proclaimed "Machine" I am married to begged for forgiveness and rewarded me with a full night of long, hard, fast pounding sex.  I am sitting on a foam donut, to make sure everyone knows I got the beating I deserved.  So all that exercise, which was due to just a little coke, and what happened earlier in the day caused me to stay awake more than usual, also due to a bit more blow.  I had an unsettling feeling, after I was accused of putting a hole in the marble floor.  Dr. Acula's zero husband, the boy wonder, apparently has it out for me, and although I am the smallest, skinniest, Croc's wearing  person in this house, threw accusations that I was the culprit.  Makes sense, right? 
I call him the boy wonder because he still sucks his thumb, has no job, gossips like a 13 year old girl, and he looks albino (sorry, albinos) just like my favorite white bread.  He called me the c-word to my husband.  Such a man!  He brags to my husband about being with 'practice wife #4', Dr. Acula, that he has at least three others lined up waiting for him, yet he is fat, ugly, mean, won't bang his wife, and makes no money.  Stay back, women of the world, this man's taken!  What nerve calling me out, I said to my husband.  I am at the very least cute, slender, can play golf, cook, and made more money than he has in ten years working as a hairdresser!  Is there an equivocal 'c' word for men I can use?  I don't think a single word has been created yet to put all the undesirable traits this one person has into just one word.  But if you do, or can think of a good one, let me know.  I'm dying to come up with something harsher than boy wonder.  Because this dick kept me from my beauty sleep last night, and he is sucking up all the good air from the rest of us.  He is blatantly delusional, an all-in-one human wasteland, and needs an entire team of Belleview doctors working on him.  If I wind up dead, he is the guilty party, your honor. 
Dr. Acula is a love-hating backstabber who, with boy wonder, have done their best to split me from my stud (?).  But they failed.  I win.  Thank you God, for my vagina.  Bye for now!

Suck it, cavities!

Damn, my pie hole hurts.  Tomorrow it is going to hurt sooo much, I am not above faking pain so the dentist injects me with the legal limit of Novocain.  Today was just a cleaning, but since drug addicts tend to put off little things like health and child support, my soon to be x didn't deem it necessary to visit the dentist for, well, since the day we met.  Luis, my plaque removing buddy, had to break out the heavy artillery-jackhammer and backhoe-to chisel years of nastiness off my teeth.  No one held my hand which is a huge improvement for me; I have been known to scream bloody murder at the top of my asthma filled lungs to the dismay of my previous dentists, since I have had the following medieval procedures since I was a little carpet-biter:  Fillings on 16 of my molars, a root canal on one of my top front teeth after a piece of sheet metal knocked it out, 4 teeth pulled (because my orthodontist said my mouth was too small for my teeth.  My Mommy couldn't believe it either.), a crown on root canal tooth, four years of orthodontia, and in recent years, an incomplete implant that has given me permanent nerve damage from incorrect placement.  Sometimes I drool and have food in the corner of my mouth that I cannot feel and have no clue is there.  It makes for great dining out. 
Soon I will be getting an actual tooth where the implant hole is.  Which will be nice, being able to smile with less of a jack-o-lantern effect.  I will be sure to give that shit-eating grin again to everyone I know, and am known for. 
It is no secret I live in Colombia, and partake in the local offerings.  Lately it has been legally permissive to carry cocaine, and I believed it to be a sign of good things to come.  Well, I was right!Here's proof that sniffing stuff is beneficial, and thanks Salon, for the info on Special K!  Maybe Ecstasy will make a comeback next, and you'll never hear from me again!  Dream on, people, I am a survivor.  I've been told so, by a doctor, just yesterday.  Ok, an optician, and not a doctor-doctor.  Still, she did tell me my best friend Sadie has cataracts.  Have a day!

My name isn't Booie anymore. It's Ms. Lopez

I must be living in an ulterior universe.  Unless my eyes fail me (which they are as of last year), I am certain we are living at a friends house, with not a cent to buy a birthday present for my son with tomorrow, and you stole my silver jewelry when you were kicked out of the guest bedroom last night, after you kicked me off the bed.  Wow, what a luck-y girl I am!! Any one want to switch places with me?  Anyone? Anyone?

YET, this is the quote I copy and pasted directly from your Skype message tonite.  Enjoy todays Words of Twaddle, straight from #3's never ending pie hole.  " I (we) made enough money for whatever makes you happy booie."
Funny, you don't seem to be gakked out on coke or codeine either, and we know how a certain someone (you) has a strong addiction to both.  And, money is no object according to your big boy words.  So unless I am unknowingly living on planet Zog, I have no concept of reality in all sense of the word. 
Dude, get a grip.  I don't love you anymore.  I certainly don't like you anymore either.  You don't even offer me a pill, and just expect me to swoon all over you?  Time for someone to get another Maiditute, cuz this one is out.
P.S. What a shame that the U AND the Dolphins lost so badly these past two games, tonite and Saturday.  Boo f-ing hoo. 




I (we) made enough money for whatever makes you happy booie.

Caution: Bitch Ahead

Big news.  Due to the fact that I have hit an all time low at the ripe old, ancient age of 45, the incessant mocking from #3 will soon come to an end.  I am leaving this hell for another, and going back to the states.  Slowly it's beginning to sink in, and although I have yet to announce to the world on fb, I am getting more accustomed to the scenes that surely will play out once I step off the plane in Miami and get up from kissing the ground below.  What I am uncomfortable facing are little things like procuring an income so I don't mooch off my son for too long, and when one doesn't even have a drivers license, it is going to pretty much suck starting over.  Let alone mending my stomped on, chewed up, and spit out heart.  I have never been the type of girl to be mean, play games, or shroud behind the bitch curtain, but I see now the purpose in it and how I have been used as a diaper.  I actually am feeling sorry for anyone who I may meet and come in contact with down the road, because I am reinventing the psycho bitch that everyone loathed and talked about.  I hope no one likes me;  it makes for less drama and a shorter Christmas list.  What a tightrope to balance!  Nice enough to get what I want and will definitely need, but cold enough to stop any motive filled jerkoff from trying to pierce my protective bubble.  World, you've been served.  Now I can go back to crying hysterically and laughing uncontrollably every six minutes.  Love and lollipops.

The Love of my Life, and the bitch who owes me a lap dance.

My BFF and I are connected at the hip.  Hers is much lower to the ground though, and she has to pee every two hours, which has become like a confusing twister game because she is also loosing her sight a bit.  Sadie is my one and only forever love.  She is 91 (13 times 7) but in her Chihuahua\greyhound mind, much younger.  We have been through everything, including, but not limited to one marriage, one divorce, near-death and legally dead, and transcontinental travels.  I saved her life one time when #2 dumbass left the generator in the garage when hurricane Jeanne blew out the power for 2 1\2 weeks back in 2004  I had to revive her with puppy CPR, as she was not breathing, loosing bodily functions in my arms, and my 3 kids were screaming bloody murder as their only pet showed all signs of checking out.  Just like a scene from the movie "Defending your life" where Meryl Streep's character rescues and comforts her children from their home engulfed in flames.  The vet said it was probable she would have kidney or liver damage, but so far, so good, and I thank The Almighty every day for her. 

Not her best mug shot.  By far.  But what should I expect, she just woke up. 

 

To my delight, #2 has managed to land another maiditute.  I couldn't be happier!  This one is quite fat, which means she must be able to cook, so he will get fat also! Bonus!  However, she seemed to be a small minded heifer as well, because she wrote me an email telling me what kind of a person I was, like I didn't already know.  Maybe she is an expert or something.  Doubtful, but possible.  Anyway, she was living with her parents but cooked her way into moving in with #2 and tagging her teenage daughter in as well.  Now, #2 WAS a car salesman when we met 20 years ago, and by the time I left his lazy ass he was running the dealership.  Does she think he got there on his own merit?  His exact words were 'I didn't know I could until you told me.'  So, I ask you, what kind of thank you should I be expecting?  A cup of coffee, at least, but knowing his aficionado for strip clubs, I am gonna go with lap dance.  But I would settle for a simple bending over and kissing my size 4 ass.  Its only a matter of time, gurlfriend, until he is back online chatting with women acting like he is a lesbian, and wanting you to do something with his finger you will have nightmares about.  Maybe I shouldn't tell her these things.  No one told me! 

Going out to get high.  Back later with your drug induced Words of Twaddle.