Dr. Acula and her sidekick, the boy wonder

I didn't sleep much last night.  The self proclaimed "Machine" I am married to begged for forgiveness and rewarded me with a full night of long, hard, fast pounding sex.  I am sitting on a foam donut, to make sure everyone knows I got the beating I deserved.  So all that exercise, which was due to just a little coke, and what happened earlier in the day caused me to stay awake more than usual, also due to a bit more blow.  I had an unsettling feeling, after I was accused of putting a hole in the marble floor.  Dr. Acula's zero husband, the boy wonder, apparently has it out for me, and although I am the smallest, skinniest, Croc's wearing  person in this house, threw accusations that I was the culprit.  Makes sense, right? 
I call him the boy wonder because he still sucks his thumb, has no job, gossips like a 13 year old girl, and he looks albino (sorry, albinos) just like my favorite white bread.  He called me the c-word to my husband.  Such a man!  He brags to my husband about being with 'practice wife #4', Dr. Acula, that he has at least three others lined up waiting for him, yet he is fat, ugly, mean, won't bang his wife, and makes no money.  Stay back, women of the world, this man's taken!  What nerve calling me out, I said to my husband.  I am at the very least cute, slender, can play golf, cook, and made more money than he has in ten years working as a hairdresser!  Is there an equivocal 'c' word for men I can use?  I don't think a single word has been created yet to put all the undesirable traits this one person has into just one word.  But if you do, or can think of a good one, let me know.  I'm dying to come up with something harsher than boy wonder.  Because this dick kept me from my beauty sleep last night, and he is sucking up all the good air from the rest of us.  He is blatantly delusional, an all-in-one human wasteland, and needs an entire team of Belleview doctors working on him.  If I wind up dead, he is the guilty party, your honor. 
Dr. Acula is a love-hating backstabber who, with boy wonder, have done their best to split me from my stud (?).  But they failed.  I win.  Thank you God, for my vagina.  Bye for now!