Being without a computer is about the loneliest I have ever given someone permission to make me feel. Because I like money over loneliness, I reluctantly loaned my computer so he could continue to under produce and over exaggerate to his desperate email marketing clients. It only took him 91 days to make enough cheddar to buy a $450 Acer laptop. What a catch he is. Am I right?
Today, his partner in crime, the Boy Wonder, dropped off clothes for my beloved and dear spouse that Boy Wonder had worn maybe once before another burrito dog shrunk them. This is the same man who says that he is NOT having sex again because testosterone speeds up the aging process, and as we all know, more men like him need to live forever. If he does, we should all Scarface it right now-get a pile of coke and dive in, before it's too late. I told my husband that, by definition, Boy does not even serve a purpose in humanity-he's not even as useful as a whore. And to think, Boy somehow snagged a Colombian doctor. If he wrote a book on how he did, then he will have left a legacy. Other than that, and Goodwill-ing his (not so) skinny clothes that his wife bought, the resources and food this man consumes could feed a tribe in Cameroon (notice I didn't say small tribe?), clothe the entire state of Florida\s homeless, and keep fellow generations from being ear-raped by the incessant shit coming from this man's mouth.
Over the delightful insanity many call the holidays, we were invited 4 times to Boy Wonder and his wife's home, and 4 times, we joyfully declined. Can you believe it took 4 times for them to catch on that we didn't want to be around them ??? The first few were easy as far as excuses. The last one, not so much. The email read a little like this: "We really missed you at the tree lighting. I dropped a package off at your door. Hope you will be able to come for our New Year party." My husband, who is such a bullshitter that his friend had a 'Bullshit Alert' ringer every time he called, could only reply "Thank you Clara." Which brought this female doctor to her breaking point. She wrote us again, but, to our relief, no invitation was included. She asked 'What happened?' So I told her. Isn't that what friends do? As if I would know.
I enlightened her on how her better half Boy had yelled and cursed at me, had accused me of putting a hole in their marble floor, and called me a cunt to my husband. And because he is such a manly stud, did all of these things when she was not around. I have yet to hear back from her, which leads my husband and I to conclude that they are actually perfect for each other, and we won't be getting unsolicited invitations anymore. And then the Boy shows up with clothes. Yea, that makes it all better. Well done.
I apologize from the bottom of my hollow heart to anyone who may have missed me for a fleeting moment. But at least, hopefully, you got new clothes from Santa, or Hannukah Harry, instead of used shirts from the Grinch.
As Clara the eye doc says, "Be Well".
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