Besides my mad mopping and blow job skills, I have mastered the facade craft of being lady like. Thus lies my success in landing 3 complete jackholes for husbands and living a fabulously glamorous life in a one room loft in Medellin. Don't be a hater.
So, here's adding to the millions of uber-useful How-To lists online. Your welcome.
1. Never curse. But if you do, add the letters IE to the end of the word. My fave is fuckie. So much sweeter, don't you agree?
2. Eat like a bird. Do enough coke ( or for my friends in the states, meth ) to keep you up for two days certainly will stop you from ordering the Chateaubriand and, like the classy Lindsey Lohan says, you can drink more.
3. When in doubt, smile, giggle, and arch your back. This has bailed me out of countless speeding tickets. and cavity searches, but not that DUI back in '08.
4. Cry a little when watching tv or the movies, but only if you are wearing waterproof mascara. Then, to create the tears, rub your eyes with your popcorn salted fingers.
5. I always wear skirts and dresses because my one good asset my Mommy gave me were her tremendous gams. Whatever your Mommy gave you, work it. Work it like your fresh off the pole.
6. A simple way to feel like the RuPaul queen you are and piss off every woman at the grocery store is to carry your flowers ( Miss America style) through the entire store instead of laying them in the cart with your purse. Works especially well when your husband is doing his part by pushing the cart.
7. Always say grace before your meal. It keeps most from knowing your not in that Satanic cult.
8. Keep your house and car clean always. I'm not suggesting you clean them, by any means. But #3 shared a long time men's secret that will finally be made known to the masses, and that is "A woman with a dirty house and car probably has a dirty pussy." Take it from me, he would know. He's hired Panamanian hookers, after all.
Thanks for reading so I put off exercising for another hour. Or day. Love ya!
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