Join me for lunch in the upscale part of Medellin

Lately I have been trying to eliminate the stench of failure I've been wearing like a glove.  So I bought a new bottle of Paco Rabonne's Black XS,

and committed myself to a few new habits.  Trust me, all my good, bad habits like eating too much, drinking too much, snorting too much, sleeping too much (to list a few) are there as usual.  They are NEVER EVER going to be replaced.  I have priorities, people.   Stupid things like making sure I learn ten Spanish words a day, counting my blessings (all four of them), and walking my dog.  She has this need to poop twice a day.  Go figure.  I actually wrote a daily to-do list and adhered to it for about a week before totally forgetting about it, so I consider it 'winning' and don't advise anyone to try it at home or elsewhere.  My good, bad habits feel free to dedicate your life's work to.  I have and look at me!  School's for fools!
Men love Demi Moore.  At least four men I now hate but thought at one brief moment were decent, air-deserving members of humanity, have had an obsession with Demi Moore.  Reason enough for me to comment on my three deductions attributing to her hotness.  The obvious first is her voice.  After going to my last Green Day concert in Ft. Lauderdale, my voice sounded just like hers, because I screamed like I was engulfed in flames.  They were that awesome.  So that's all every woman has to do to sound like her.  Go see Green Day.  Plus, Billie Jo Armstrong is the subject of my dreams 99% of the time.  He sees me in the crowd, and takes me away to live the rock star life I so deserve.  I've been practicing by consuming my fair share of drugs and alcohol, so any day now its bye bye blog, hello permanent intoxication and beautiful eyeliner filled family. 
The second reason Demi is too good for these four slobs is she was able to shave her head (the ultimate F-U to all male long hair lovers) and still look sultry instead of like Susan Powers.  I threaten to shave mine off but since it took me 21 years to grow it, I don't think I will be around long enough to see it grow back.  Thirdly, Demi played a super humanly strong Navy Seal in that movie she shaved her head for.  #3 (present husband) insisted I watch it so he could have his 1 hour 40 minute fantasy of her and I having sex.  He didn't actually say that, but did he need to?  I didn't think so either.  I have my own future set with Billie Jo Armstrong, so please, Demi, come get him.  He's waiting. 
I have had serious considerations about joining the military lately since watching G.I. Jane.  Mainly because I have lost my Florida cosmetology license (sayonara, prosperity) and it would give me a clean getaway from #3.  However, #3 actually has served in the air force and said they don't take women my age.  I guess you can't be all you can be after a certain amount of time.  Add that to my lifelong asthma affliction and the fact that I almost died last year from a ten centimeter abscess on my kidney, and I can see my entire future will exist in front of a laptop.  Goodbye, shaved head, hello flatter ass.  You can all breathe easy again, my dear readers.
To clear any misunderstandings, I thought I would end once and for all the incorrect image most people have about Colombian women.  This topic came about from our last lunch date, in the El Pablado section of Medellin.  As we were walking, a prostitute was standing outside a liquor store, posing in a very short skirt, legs wiiiiiide apart.  My perceptive spouse says unconvincingly "Eww, yuck", and then brings it up again asking "What the hell?''  Like it needed reiterating.  He is as dumb as any hooker here, I swear.  But I digress.
This visual will put to bed your incorrect assumptions, once and for all.  Sorry to burst your bubbles.  

What everyone thinks Colombian women look like:

What Colombian women really, really look like:

She does look like 'The happy hooker', doesn't she?  This was taken from this article on ads Brazil was running, but later stopped.  To think this is someone's daughter.  I guess that's what my parents now say about me.  Touché.

Your Words of Twaddle for today are all the lyrics from Enrique Iglesias singing "I can be your hero".  Don't hate me for etching that song in your head for the rest of the day.  It's only right that someone else feels my pain, since I want to stab my eardrums with an ice pick after #3 sang it to me.  Gag me with a 9 mm.  Have a bitchin' day.