The Love of my Life, and the bitch who owes me a lap dance.

My BFF and I are connected at the hip.  Hers is much lower to the ground though, and she has to pee every two hours, which has become like a confusing twister game because she is also loosing her sight a bit.  Sadie is my one and only forever love.  She is 91 (13 times 7) but in her Chihuahua\greyhound mind, much younger.  We have been through everything, including, but not limited to one marriage, one divorce, near-death and legally dead, and transcontinental travels.  I saved her life one time when #2 dumbass left the generator in the garage when hurricane Jeanne blew out the power for 2 1\2 weeks back in 2004  I had to revive her with puppy CPR, as she was not breathing, loosing bodily functions in my arms, and my 3 kids were screaming bloody murder as their only pet showed all signs of checking out.  Just like a scene from the movie "Defending your life" where Meryl Streep's character rescues and comforts her children from their home engulfed in flames.  The vet said it was probable she would have kidney or liver damage, but so far, so good, and I thank The Almighty every day for her. 

Not her best mug shot.  By far.  But what should I expect, she just woke up. 

 

To my delight, #2 has managed to land another maiditute.  I couldn't be happier!  This one is quite fat, which means she must be able to cook, so he will get fat also! Bonus!  However, she seemed to be a small minded heifer as well, because she wrote me an email telling me what kind of a person I was, like I didn't already know.  Maybe she is an expert or something.  Doubtful, but possible.  Anyway, she was living with her parents but cooked her way into moving in with #2 and tagging her teenage daughter in as well.  Now, #2 WAS a car salesman when we met 20 years ago, and by the time I left his lazy ass he was running the dealership.  Does she think he got there on his own merit?  His exact words were 'I didn't know I could until you told me.'  So, I ask you, what kind of thank you should I be expecting?  A cup of coffee, at least, but knowing his aficionado for strip clubs, I am gonna go with lap dance.  But I would settle for a simple bending over and kissing my size 4 ass.  Its only a matter of time, gurlfriend, until he is back online chatting with women acting like he is a lesbian, and wanting you to do something with his finger you will have nightmares about.  Maybe I shouldn't tell her these things.  No one told me! 

Going out to get high.  Back later with your drug induced Words of Twaddle.

My Gift to Brian Regan, and my humanitarian effort

I have an innate urge to change the English language.  Maybe its because I feel everyone will love me someday when everyone can actually sound out words the way they are spelled.   Wouldn't it also be nice to forever drop that ever so cumbersome silent K?  What the hell is that for anyway?  Like tits on a boar hog, its dead weight.  Lets start a revolution, and drop this sterile member of the alphabet from all the words starting with kn.  I think Brian Regan can head us out on the campaign trail, and, well, click here to see why he hates public humiliation too.  I have a love-hate relationship with Brian.  He put the f-u in funny, and he looks just like my unbetter half. Check out his video on fishing here.

 I am feeling a bit stupider than usual.  Lets just say it is attributed to my lack of ability to grasp another language as simple as Spanish., and their words sound like they are spelled (and no silent k's).  I keep spelling words wrong that seem to reiterate their meaning in the sentence I am writing.  Today I typed the word wrong, (Ugg! Another silent but deadly letter!) and spelled it wronge.  Wrong spelled wrong.  Brilliant!  In my book manuscript I was telling a story of when my younger, and card carrying, magna cum laude, Tri-Delta sister fell out a window one dummer.  She is the genius of us two, and it happened one summer.  Funnier with the misspells, huh? 
The other thing I have an unhealthy affinity for is putting two words together to form one word.  It's pretty obvious what I am-Maiditute-but my list of talents stretches way beyond my legs.  I love playing golf, surfing, and shopping.  Too many words to combine, but if you come up with one, let me know.  Here's a joke that I don't think many outside the golf community know, but still is quite good.  What do you call 24 men chasing a black man? The PGA Tour.  Did I mention I am a wetback?  That should settle the score.  Maybe.
Ever heard the saying "Words of Wisdom?"  As an homage, I have come up with 'Words of Twaddle' which is the opposite of wisdom.  And I like that twaddle sounds similar to, you know.  So twaddle it is, and the sayings will be from the mouth of my delightful spouse.  Just so you know, we all will be dumber for have heard them.  You've been warned. 
Today's Words of Twaddle came about as he was telling me what he will invest in when he is a bazillionaire.  Already I was laughing inside, but I kept drinking my Pilsen to cover it.  He would get all the children of the world together and pick their brains for their answers to the world's problems.  Not bad so far.  However, I love playing devil's advocate, because that's what I do.  One step closer to his heart attack is my goal.  I say "Well, since there are thousands of children dying of starvation daily, I am sure they would rather just get a bowl of maggot free rice."  He looks at me, again slamming beers, and says, "Well, I am not going to save the world."  There you have it.  He's a bazillionaire, but he isn't going to save the world.  Aren't you thankful he isn't a bazillionaire and Bill Gates is?  We can all sleep tonight.  I am doing my part to spend the little money he does make, so I think we can all philanthropist to my resume.  You are welcome, world.  You are welcome.