Why are you reading this instead of packing up your worldly belongings (bong) and roadtripping to Colorado, the guinea pig of democracy? If you have been too buzzed to read, weed is now legal, but only in the Rocky Mountain High Life.
If you are still reading, congratulations. You are ready to move to the rankings of druggie. Here's how I did. I met what I thought was the man of my dreams. Turns out he is a sociopath, and love is blind. He asks me to quit my job because he will take care of me and my kids "financially" forever. Sounds good so far, right? No job, so no need for a car. Drop my son at his father's house. Four years later, I am living in Medellin talking to my son on skype once a week, doing a gram of coke a day, and reminding myself how dumb I am on an hourly basis. To think I left my family and our dream home 8 years ago for this. If you ever have a chance to pick brains or brawn, pick brains. Wait until I finish my memoir. Chalk full of 45 years of brilliance and insight.
So that's all there is to it. Drop everything and move to Colombia where you can: Live like a king on half the expenses. Do whatever you want. And be taken advantage of at every turn. At least we can all relax knowing the guerrillas aren't in control any more.
Anyone have an extra ticket to Denver?
I hope to be in a better (more intoxicated) state of mind tomorrow. Three beers and no play makes Lori...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzsdgajdstnvasdgn
Showing posts with label maiditute. Show all posts
Showing posts with label maiditute. Show all posts
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
8 Ways to Skip Charm School
Besides my mad mopping and blow job skills, I have mastered the facade craft of being lady like. Thus lies my success in landing 3 complete jackholes for husbands and living a fabulously glamorous life in a one room loft in Medellin. Don't be a hater.
So, here's adding to the millions of uber-useful How-To lists online. Your welcome.
1. Never curse. But if you do, add the letters IE to the end of the word. My fave is fuckie. So much sweeter, don't you agree?
2. Eat like a bird. Do enough coke ( or for my friends in the states, meth ) to keep you up for two days certainly will stop you from ordering the Chateaubriand and, like the classy Lindsey Lohan says, you can drink more.
3. When in doubt, smile, giggle, and arch your back. This has bailed me out of countless speeding tickets. and cavity searches, but not that DUI back in '08.
4. Cry a little when watching tv or the movies, but only if you are wearing waterproof mascara. Then, to create the tears, rub your eyes with your popcorn salted fingers.
5. I always wear skirts and dresses because my one good asset my Mommy gave me were her tremendous gams. Whatever your Mommy gave you, work it. Work it like your fresh off the pole.
6. A simple way to feel like the RuPaul queen you are and piss off every woman at the grocery store is to carry your flowers ( Miss America style) through the entire store instead of laying them in the cart with your purse. Works especially well when your husband is doing his part by pushing the cart.
7. Always say grace before your meal. It keeps most from knowing your not in that Satanic cult.
8. Keep your house and car clean always. I'm not suggesting you clean them, by any means. But #3 shared a long time men's secret that will finally be made known to the masses, and that is "A woman with a dirty house and car probably has a dirty pussy." Take it from me, he would know. He's hired Panamanian hookers, after all.
Thanks for reading so I put off exercising for another hour. Or day. Love ya!
So, here's adding to the millions of uber-useful How-To lists online. Your welcome.
1. Never curse. But if you do, add the letters IE to the end of the word. My fave is fuckie. So much sweeter, don't you agree?
2. Eat like a bird. Do enough coke ( or for my friends in the states, meth ) to keep you up for two days certainly will stop you from ordering the Chateaubriand and, like the classy Lindsey Lohan says, you can drink more.
3. When in doubt, smile, giggle, and arch your back. This has bailed me out of countless speeding tickets. and cavity searches, but not that DUI back in '08.
4. Cry a little when watching tv or the movies, but only if you are wearing waterproof mascara. Then, to create the tears, rub your eyes with your popcorn salted fingers.
5. I always wear skirts and dresses because my one good asset my Mommy gave me were her tremendous gams. Whatever your Mommy gave you, work it. Work it like your fresh off the pole.
6. A simple way to feel like the RuPaul queen you are and piss off every woman at the grocery store is to carry your flowers ( Miss America style) through the entire store instead of laying them in the cart with your purse. Works especially well when your husband is doing his part by pushing the cart.
7. Always say grace before your meal. It keeps most from knowing your not in that Satanic cult.
8. Keep your house and car clean always. I'm not suggesting you clean them, by any means. But #3 shared a long time men's secret that will finally be made known to the masses, and that is "A woman with a dirty house and car probably has a dirty pussy." Take it from me, he would know. He's hired Panamanian hookers, after all.
Thanks for reading so I put off exercising for another hour. Or day. Love ya!
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